One of the greatest achievements of my life is having never lied or broken a promise to my son. I always thought this was a great accomplishment, until I sat down and really thought about it. It's not that difficult, really. It requires some thought, sure, and sometimes some planning and a lot of groundwork. But that's really it. I've realized, however, how important this has been to our relationship and his formation as a person. The goal here is to raise a child in whom you can trust so that finally you have raised an adult in whom others can put their trust.
I learned this from my son. He told me I was the best Mother because he knows I never ever lie to him. He trusts me.
So how does it work?
1. Never, and I really really mean never, make a promise you cannot keep.
We've all been the victim of "I promise someday we will", and then someday never came. (I'm still waiting for my Dad to take me horseback riding and that's never going to happen now that he's gone!)
What I've never understood is why we say this for things we know darn well are pretty much probably never going to happen. So, what do we do? Be honest. If your child is asking for something instead of putting them off with a "someday", explain why not. Or just frankly tell them "no". Don't make a vague "someday" promise, because they WILL remember that someday never came.
I weigh my promises very carefully. If I don't know for 100% certainty that I can follow through, I don't promise. When I do promise, nothing gets in the way. The best part of this is that as my son has gotten older, he has learned to value my promises and let me off the hook. Short story, that happened once when I promised a weekend trip and a relative passed away. My son is the one who cancelled the trip, he was 10. He told me that our family was more important. The will surprise you like that when you make them that important to you, you become that important to them.
2. Never, and I really really mean never, make a threat you won't follow through on.
Seriously, how many times have you been out in public and some kid is acting like an animal and you hear some parent say "if you do that one more time, we're leaving" about a hundred times until you want to say "Hey, so when exactly are you leaving? Because your kid is ruining my dinner, shopping, or sanity?" Pretty much, um, a lot, I'm sure. Guess what? I'm that parent that asks them when they are leaving.
This was a really hard thing to do for me. I've never been the Mom with a lot of money so walking into the amusement park after shelling out $75 just to get in and a half hour into it, one line, not even on a ride yet and to throw out that threat? It hurt. He did it one more time and we left. Flush $75 down the toilet. At the time that was about a full day's pay for me. I bit the bullet. I did it. Oh, it was not enough. That was followed by a dinner out with some friends. He did it one more time, we left. Before the food came. I paid the check anyway. It hurt. BUT, he never did it again. All it took from then on was the threat, "do that one more time and we're leaving", and he stopped, immediately. Why? He KNEW I meant it. No matter the cost, no matter what I was missing out on. Now, the dinner thing had another side. We got home, I explained that animals are not allowed in restaurants and if he was going to act like an animal, then he couldn't go anymore. For the next month I went out at least once a week to the restaurants without him. (Side note to single moms, I couldn't really afford to go out anywhere that much! I'd take him to my mom's, drop him off and maybe hit the mcdonalds for some fries or a shake because I never lie to him, and it IS a restaurant after all, and then pick him up and tell him how much I liked the restaurant and how pleasant it was and how nicely everyone behaved.) The trick is follow through. If they KNOW you mean it, they KNOW you mean it! Children don't want to miss out on fun, and they hate knowing we are having it without them! Just follow through. The first time. NO, 18 warnings. Just 1. You will be surprised how easily it pays off in the long run.
That's not the only threat I've made, but every threat has been followed through on. No matter the cost or inconvenience to myself.
3. This is the real, actual, big NEVER. NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE OR FOR ANY REASON lie to your child.
There's a lot of ways to handle this one. When my son was 7 and asked me about how you make a baby, I didn't think he was ready yet. I didn't lie. I told him "I don't think you're quite old enough for that, but I promise that when you are 12 we are going to talk about that." You see, when you keep ALL of your promises and you NEVER lie, they trust you. My son believed that he was not ready and that I would tell him when he was 12. I did tell him when he was 12. I am also a big fan of saying "I'm not comfortable discussing that with you." and "That is a private matter for me and I really don't want to talk about it right now." The first time I said this was when my son asked if I loved his father (we had been separated for a few years and the answer was NO! But I did not think my son needed to take on that burden). when he has asked me when I'll be able to talk about it, I tell him the truth "I don't know, but if I ever do, we will talk about it."
You see, there are ways to answer without answering, to be honest, to keep the door open. That can't happen if they don't trust you. It's all about trust. If your child knows that the words you say are true, they will trust when you cannot say any words, they will have faith in you. They will know you are all about them!
I think that's enough to be getting on with. More later.
