It seems our life together has been one prep for a death and funeral after another. We began with an illness and death. As Brian's Father wasted away from cancer, we became friends. My heart went out to this man who soon would lose his Father, mine having been gone for 16 years. In the five years Brian and I have known each other, he has lost a Father, Step-Father, Brother, Mother and a Dear Friend. I have lost a Cousin, Great-Aunt and an Uncle. We have not had 12 months in a row without a death. We're averaging a death every 5.4 months.
It seems just as we are taking a breath, learning to live with the void that has just been created, the whirlwind whips into our home, scattering thoughts of safety and sanity and leaving more despair in it's wake than the last time. We take a collective family deep breath and brace our shoulders to walk into the storm again. Grim, determined, holding on to each other tighter each time.
Each night I go to bed, wondering how I will sleep, how will Brian sleep, how will Mikhail sleep? Will there be nightmares, busy minds fighting against repose, restless bodies trying to will and force cancer away from someone we love or sweet exhaustion? I never know what the night will hold.
Well, I know what some of the night will hold. The voices. Quiet, determined, angry, laughing, sad, regretful, hopeful, encouraging, despondent, lost, aware, confused, enlightened, brilliant voices. They speak to me from within my heart. Some of them I did not know in life at all but through stories, others I could look on their face and know what they were thinking. No matter who they were to me in life, I can hear them when they are gone. Whispering to my mind, soothing my soul. They speak to me. Every morning I wake a little stronger, knowing that they will be there counseling me, guiding me, never leaving me, I have only to listen for them and they will be there.
5 years of death and I finally get it. The platitudes we pass to each other to offer comfort at a loss, they have meaning. There is a reason we all say all the same things over and over, death after death. "We never really lose our loved ones, they live on in our hearts." And they do. If only we will listen for them. I have learned to listen. To quiet my mind and soul, to hear what they would say to me. Some of the voices that were harsh and unforgiving in life, I hear them soften as they leave this world and realize some things were just not that important and others should have been more so. Egos, the need to prove you're right, an obligation to criticize, a neediness that could never be satisfied, a desire to always seemed strong and above everything, prioritizing outside of family and friends, none of them important in the end.
When the realization hit that one day, in the not too distant future, my Daddy would be gone and he was handling it with a Spockian sense of inevitability, I was enraged. I yelled at him, how could he so easily discuss deserting me? What about when I needed advice or just wanted to talk to him? How could he treat that with so little concern and sensitivity? What he said to me then, it has taken me 21 years to truly hear. "Kitten, you'll always know what I would say because you know me."
21 years later, I see how right he was, how prophetic. We never really lose them. Their voices live in our hearts and sing to our souls. I've watched my husband struggle with each loss, wondering if he was a disappointment to each loved one gone, is he disappointing them now, are they proud, angry? Wondering what they would say to him. Each day I remind him that the only thing they could leave behind truly was the love they had. I remind him that's all any of us can leave behind, it's the only thing we would choose to leave behind, our love. And I remind myself. I remind him that life, no matter how long you have, is too short for anger and resentment. It's the thing those traveling their last days always say. If we listen to our loved ones while they are here, we will always hear them, they will never leave us and we will always know what they would say.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Happy Birthday To ME!
Good Morning, All! Today is my birthday and I'm 43 years old! I'm starting with this because I want it understood that I like my age. It's taken me a long time and a lot of hard work to get here and I'm proud of it. This was not always the case. I was well practiced at lying about it. For years I turned 23, then 27 a couple of times, then, as my son got older, had him add 18 to his age (which means I would be 35 this year if I was still lying!) but no more! I'm 43.
My Grandmother never let us say her age out loud, still doesn't. When I asked her why she said it was because people tend to pigeon hole you with assumptions based on your age. I know that to be true, but I can't help it, I'm 43. If you want to put me in some stereotype of 43, well, I guess you had better get on with it, but before you do, let me tell you about my version of 43.
I play toys. (This is how my son called playing with toys as a toddler) I do it. Some little kid asks me to play a game, wrestle around the living room, color in a book, have a race, blow bubbles in my chocolate milk, pick weeds and call them flowers, pretend to be zoo animals, I'm going to. That child is going to grow up, and there won't be any more of that, take it while you can.
I play pranks on people. Hmm, come to think of it, it's time for a good one, note to self. Life is short enough and short on laughter, I need to laugh, but more, I need to hear other people laugh. I'm not mean spirited, pranks don't have to be mean. Play them, create more laughter in the world, or at the very least, learn some really good jokes!
I watch cartoons. Who wants to watch horrid reality t.v. which is overproduced and sad documentaries and violent news programs? Sure watch them, but never underestimate the healing power of a good cartoon, remember those? They made you laugh? Go laugh! Let go, you don't always have to be a grown up, get in touch with the inner child, even if it's just for one half hour cartoon.
I listen to new music. I also listen to old music. I like to know what the youngsters are listening to, it helps to figure them out, understand them a little better, stay in touch with them. Seems to me that teenagers trust you a little more if you are interested in some of the things they are interested in. Wait a sec, hmm, I don't think that just applies to teenagers, does it? Nope. Adults are the same, aren't we?
I like candy! I get excited when I get candy, and not the grown up chocolate truffle business (well, yes I do, but we're not talking about that). Give me a Watermelon Blow Pop and I'm thrilled! It gives me the taste of my youth for a moment and I am transported to Goldstein's Candy Store with a quarter in my pocket and the dilemma of choosing a Summit, a Wachtmacallit, Chewy Sweet Tarts, KitKat, Reese Cups, Big League Chew, Bubble Yum or a couple of Blow Pops! Remember smell and taste are strong memory inducers, so go induce your memory!
I still climb trees. I can't help myself. I see a good climbing tree, I've got to get up in it. Even if I'm wearing dress pants and weejuns and at an honest to God Irish wake in Edinboro (Pennsylvania, I should be so lucky to be at the real one!). Yes, I did that. In that tree I was easily 3 stories above the ground. I really didn't think anyone would see me, it was dusk, there was lots of foliage, but they did, so I came down to fearful cries from my soon to be Mother In Law. It was scandalous! Brian alternated between embarrassed, resigned and proud! But what better time to climb a tree? I was at a wake, a reminder to grasp all that life has thrown in front of me because I'm only getting so many chances to climb a tree before I'm going to be planted under one.
So, my friends, go out, make laughter, make love, make memories, make the most of the years you have been here so the ones you have left will be fantastic!
My Grandmother never let us say her age out loud, still doesn't. When I asked her why she said it was because people tend to pigeon hole you with assumptions based on your age. I know that to be true, but I can't help it, I'm 43. If you want to put me in some stereotype of 43, well, I guess you had better get on with it, but before you do, let me tell you about my version of 43.
I play toys. (This is how my son called playing with toys as a toddler) I do it. Some little kid asks me to play a game, wrestle around the living room, color in a book, have a race, blow bubbles in my chocolate milk, pick weeds and call them flowers, pretend to be zoo animals, I'm going to. That child is going to grow up, and there won't be any more of that, take it while you can.
I play pranks on people. Hmm, come to think of it, it's time for a good one, note to self. Life is short enough and short on laughter, I need to laugh, but more, I need to hear other people laugh. I'm not mean spirited, pranks don't have to be mean. Play them, create more laughter in the world, or at the very least, learn some really good jokes!
I watch cartoons. Who wants to watch horrid reality t.v. which is overproduced and sad documentaries and violent news programs? Sure watch them, but never underestimate the healing power of a good cartoon, remember those? They made you laugh? Go laugh! Let go, you don't always have to be a grown up, get in touch with the inner child, even if it's just for one half hour cartoon.
I listen to new music. I also listen to old music. I like to know what the youngsters are listening to, it helps to figure them out, understand them a little better, stay in touch with them. Seems to me that teenagers trust you a little more if you are interested in some of the things they are interested in. Wait a sec, hmm, I don't think that just applies to teenagers, does it? Nope. Adults are the same, aren't we?
I like candy! I get excited when I get candy, and not the grown up chocolate truffle business (well, yes I do, but we're not talking about that). Give me a Watermelon Blow Pop and I'm thrilled! It gives me the taste of my youth for a moment and I am transported to Goldstein's Candy Store with a quarter in my pocket and the dilemma of choosing a Summit, a Wachtmacallit, Chewy Sweet Tarts, KitKat, Reese Cups, Big League Chew, Bubble Yum or a couple of Blow Pops! Remember smell and taste are strong memory inducers, so go induce your memory!
I still climb trees. I can't help myself. I see a good climbing tree, I've got to get up in it. Even if I'm wearing dress pants and weejuns and at an honest to God Irish wake in Edinboro (Pennsylvania, I should be so lucky to be at the real one!). Yes, I did that. In that tree I was easily 3 stories above the ground. I really didn't think anyone would see me, it was dusk, there was lots of foliage, but they did, so I came down to fearful cries from my soon to be Mother In Law. It was scandalous! Brian alternated between embarrassed, resigned and proud! But what better time to climb a tree? I was at a wake, a reminder to grasp all that life has thrown in front of me because I'm only getting so many chances to climb a tree before I'm going to be planted under one.
So, my friends, go out, make laughter, make love, make memories, make the most of the years you have been here so the ones you have left will be fantastic!
Monday, May 5, 2014
How to Have The Biggest Wedding EVER!
First: Start with a guest list that includes every single person you know, at least 300 people! Second: Make it a formal masquerade ball in the largest most sought after venue you can get your hands on! Third: Choose the most expensive caterer for your food! Fourth: Open bar! Fifth: Provide the most intricate masques possible as party favors! Sixth: Go into debt for the rest of your lives before you've even said "I do"!
Or
Realize this day is first day the two of you will openly share the love you have for each with your loved ones and that they will be sharing their love with you and make it about that. I didn't realize that was what was happening the day Brian and I got married until the day was there, I was in the middle of it and realized that day did not belong to just the two of us. Our wedding day did not happen because we loved each other that much, it happened because other people loved us that much.
I loved our wedding, but I didn't think anyone else would think much of it. It just wasn't "big". It was put together in 2 1/2 weeks and we were pretty broke. The cost was minimal, especially for Brian and me. We had planned on a simple JP kind of thing. That's not what we got. What we got was a ceremony, a catered lunch at our favorite restaurant, a dress, shoes, rings, flowers, a photographer, a cake. We got a wedding, everything you could want. Certainly more than I had expected, hoped for, dreamed of, you name it. We had all of it, because other people love us, love us enough to make our day something to remember and nothing to regret. No "if only", "I wish we could have" or "someday we'll do it again right". We did it right because we did it with love, and not just our own. As it turns out, it was The Biggest Wedding EVER! I didn't know that at the time, but I do now.
I thought a wedding was all about the vows. That you are making a series of promises to this person in front of everyone you care about. This is what made the idea so real to me, I knew if I promised these things in front of my family I was bound to keep them. And pretty much that's a wedding, right?
This is what I learned: Our wedding was about sharing the love others have for us with each other. It was about learning how important we are, to others, that our love and commitment is important, to others. Every time we talk about "our wedding" we are talking about a day that belongs to more than just the two of us, it belongs to everyone who brought their love to us that day. Our marriage is bigger than Richelle and Brian, it's as big as the love so many share with us, and that is endless.
And that, my friends, is how you have the Biggest Wedding EVER! Make it about all the love that surrounds you, all the love you send out into the world, and you will have a wedding and marriage that is bigger than the 2 of you, and infinite. How can anything that starts off that big and strong do anything but get bigger and stronger?
Remember I said I didn't think anyone else would think much about our wedding? Well, someone did, recently our wedding was featured in an online bridal magazine. Here's the link to the article about The Biggest Wedding EVER! if you'd like to read more about it and see just how a whole family came together to fill up one day with so very much love. (spoiler alert: it's awesome!)
http://poptasticbride.com/2014/04/kaleidoscope-cafe-wedding/#.U2egoF49bKG
Or
Realize this day is first day the two of you will openly share the love you have for each with your loved ones and that they will be sharing their love with you and make it about that. I didn't realize that was what was happening the day Brian and I got married until the day was there, I was in the middle of it and realized that day did not belong to just the two of us. Our wedding day did not happen because we loved each other that much, it happened because other people loved us that much.
I loved our wedding, but I didn't think anyone else would think much of it. It just wasn't "big". It was put together in 2 1/2 weeks and we were pretty broke. The cost was minimal, especially for Brian and me. We had planned on a simple JP kind of thing. That's not what we got. What we got was a ceremony, a catered lunch at our favorite restaurant, a dress, shoes, rings, flowers, a photographer, a cake. We got a wedding, everything you could want. Certainly more than I had expected, hoped for, dreamed of, you name it. We had all of it, because other people love us, love us enough to make our day something to remember and nothing to regret. No "if only", "I wish we could have" or "someday we'll do it again right". We did it right because we did it with love, and not just our own. As it turns out, it was The Biggest Wedding EVER! I didn't know that at the time, but I do now.
I thought a wedding was all about the vows. That you are making a series of promises to this person in front of everyone you care about. This is what made the idea so real to me, I knew if I promised these things in front of my family I was bound to keep them. And pretty much that's a wedding, right?
This is what I learned: Our wedding was about sharing the love others have for us with each other. It was about learning how important we are, to others, that our love and commitment is important, to others. Every time we talk about "our wedding" we are talking about a day that belongs to more than just the two of us, it belongs to everyone who brought their love to us that day. Our marriage is bigger than Richelle and Brian, it's as big as the love so many share with us, and that is endless.
And that, my friends, is how you have the Biggest Wedding EVER! Make it about all the love that surrounds you, all the love you send out into the world, and you will have a wedding and marriage that is bigger than the 2 of you, and infinite. How can anything that starts off that big and strong do anything but get bigger and stronger?
Remember I said I didn't think anyone else would think much about our wedding? Well, someone did, recently our wedding was featured in an online bridal magazine. Here's the link to the article about The Biggest Wedding EVER! if you'd like to read more about it and see just how a whole family came together to fill up one day with so very much love. (spoiler alert: it's awesome!)
http://poptasticbride.com/2014/04/kaleidoscope-cafe-wedding/#.U2egoF49bKG
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