Jimmy, Bob, Larry, Ida, Ronnie Baby, Sam, Paulie, Myra, Eleanor, Tom, Joey, Roxie, Cheryl, Mary, Bev, and Connie. These are the names of the people we have lost in the past 76 months. We average a major death and funeral every 4.47 months. The worst part is, I keep thinking I'm missing someone from that list and if I have, I feel terrible. Sometimes it just feels like it never ends.
I recently joked on Facebook that I'm the only person, besides my husband, that I know who goes on vacation and has a funeral to attend while on it, purely by coincidence. I keep wondering when we'll get a break. And I keep thinking, not for a long time. I'm not complaining. I'm here in San Antonio, Brian is at a work conference and I'm "on vacation". My cousin Connie passed away the day we were packing and due to leave for our trip. I got the text message and turned to my husband and said "pack your suit" and grabbed 2 of my summer funeral dresses. He didn't even blink. It's business as usual for us. (Am I the only person I know who has funeral clothes for all seasons at the ready all of the time?) I'm grateful. I came here hoping to see some of my cousins. I saw all of them. We were able to give them two more hugs, two more kisses, two more kind words, two more smiles (and my husband's smile can light up a room!) than they would have had. We were able to give them just a little more love, caring, concern, and support. It's the best thing any of us have to offer.
And maybe that's why now. Together, my husband and I can weather the storms. Together we can find the strength. I could not be this strong without him. I don't know if he'd say the same, I hope so, I hope I give him that. Maybe that's why now. Maybe that's why we met when we did. To support each other so we could support others. It has been a rough 6+ years for many that we love. We have been fortunate enough to be able to be there for them, as they have been there for us.
I had been feeling beaten down by my "professional mourner" status. Now I'm thinking it's a blessing, a gift. To be here, to be steadfast, to be strong, to be able to love my family and friends more than I knew I could. To give them more than I knew I had. And to have it because I have more than I ever thought I would. It's hard and it's no fun. It's reminding me that everything happens for a reason. And our reason is each other. I'm more grateful than I was. More giving than I was. More hopeful than I was.
To all those we've lost, I remember you. I remember the stories I heard about you if I never had the pleasure to meet you. To all those we have, I hold you in my heart and love you dearly. We will be here if you have need of us.
