I am struggling, my friends. This has been a hard time for our family and I am finding it harder at various times. I am thinking social media is the end of anything actually social. Today I am on FaceBook and I see a prayer request. I always read those. While I am not Judeo-Christian, I believe in the power of prayer/positive energy/karma. Call it what you will. I read them and I "pray". This one was for a football player that I'm pretty sure my cousin has never met in his life. I'm darn sure that this football player never snuck chocolates and oreos for my cousin or traipsed around the woods for hours finding animal skeletons or spent countless hours watching him play air guitar and lip syncing to The Police. But my cousin is asking me to pray for this stranger. And I will.
You see, here's my issue. When I posted to ask for prayers for my family as my husband's mother was dying and then died of cancer, this same cousin did not share my post. Why does a stranger football player rate higher than his own family? This is what I'm seeing on FaceBook. Share this post of a person you never met, but not your own family. And heaven forbid we write our own posts about our own families.
It's so much easier to just "like" and "share" what someone else has spent the time writing and saying. We need to be writing our own words. This football player has 21, 198 likes and 1,188 comments, my request for prayers (and it was the first time I ever did that, so don't think I'm some kind of serial prayer hogger) received 14 likes and 11 comments. Seems no one shared it either. I am left wondering, what would all that positive energy have done for my mother-in-law or our family?
The next time you think the words of a stranger are worth sharing or liking, go back, scroll your page, maybe a friend or family member needs it too, share that as well. Maybe you should help them. I will pray for Jim Kelly tonight too, but maybe some of you could pray for my Mother-in-law on her new journey, her name was Roxie Lee Cole. Or you could just pray for my family to find strength and courage at this time. Or maybe you could just pray or meditate on healing, strength and courage for us all.
I know clicking "share" is easy and mindless. The truly heroic act, in this day and age, seems to be actually mailing a card. How sad is that? In case you're wondering, no, a comment, share or like is not the same and means an awful lot less. Oh, I know, I've just pissed a ton of "commenters", "likers" and "sharers" off. Here's the truth. My Mother-in-law died. We were not that close. I did not know her very long. Some of my friends (mine, not my husbands) drove 2 hours to support us (me) at the funeral. Those who could not, maybe they sent cards or picked up the phone and called. You see, it's about making an effort. As you go through your day realize, it's the people who make an effort for you that you should be spending your energy on.
I love my cousin, I miss my cousin. I'm realizing that maybe we are not much anymore. I'm realizing I've maybe lost more than a Mother-in-law and the brilliant smile she brought into the room. I'm realizing if I want people in my life, I have to show them that they matter. And when I do not matter in return, I must just say farewell.
Finally, do not ask others to participate in your life if you do not participate in theirs. I promise to do better. I will share the posts of others asking for help for their families and loved ones. Perhaps we can all try harder and do better. I know I can.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
When You and Me Became We
The day I wanted to fly apart
and you went into the bathroom to fart
The day I felt the world would end
and you found some support to lend
The day my trainee made a play to usurp
and you let out a garlic filled burp
The day I had no laughter left
and you felt that it left you bereft
The day I wanted to sit and stew
and you told me about your big poo
The day I sat alone and all lost
and for it you happily paid a cost
The day I could not the sun to see
and you described your big long pee
The day I had not longer a meaning
and you loved me endless seeming
Each was the day that You and Me became We
and made a world without I can't see
My love, it's not the big or the little
but all the things I've found in the middle
and you went into the bathroom to fart
The day I felt the world would end
and you found some support to lend
The day my trainee made a play to usurp
and you let out a garlic filled burp
The day I had no laughter left
and you felt that it left you bereft
The day I wanted to sit and stew
and you told me about your big poo
The day I sat alone and all lost
and for it you happily paid a cost
The day I could not the sun to see
and you described your big long pee
The day I had not longer a meaning
and you loved me endless seeming
Each was the day that You and Me became We
and made a world without I can't see
My love, it's not the big or the little
but all the things I've found in the middle
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
It's Not All About YOU or ME
Wedding vows are not one sided. This may seem like an obvious statement, but I don't really think so. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad, these are the statements that we agree to. What they don't mean is that when I am on the harder side of those statements, sick, worse, poor, bad times, that I get to be a jerk and Brian has to put up with it. It doesn't mean that only one of us has to be supportive at a time. Right now, for example, we are dealing with the immediate loss of Brian's Mother who passed away on March 8th. I need to be supportive and see to his needs and be as helpful as I can be. I hope I'm doing a good job. What I can say is that Brian is doing a fantastic job at understanding that this is also difficult and stressful for me. He's been supportive and understanding when sometimes I falter at my post. He asks how I am, if he can help. He acknowledges what I am doing to help him, not just to me, but to others. He cheers me on as I cheer him on. You see, it's two sided. We take turns. It's not even, it shouldn't be, we have to take care of each other, at all times.
Often it seems to me that we forget that as we are struggling through a difficult issue or time, our loved ones are struggling just as hard watching our pain and sadness. It takes a lot of energy and strength to put on a happy face when you are falling apart and we need to remember that it really never is "all about me". Especially in a marriage. No matter how hard things are for me, Brian is suffering too and I need to be sensitive to that as well.
There is no feeling worse than watching a loved one in pain and feeling helpless. I am helpless right now. There is nothing I can do to "fix" things as my Brian navigates through his grief. I can only watch, listen and encourage. Of course all I really want to do is wave some kind of wand and make him feel all better and make the world right and sunny for him, sadly, I am not that good of a witch. This causes me pain. It breaks my heart. I think it gives him comfort to know I love him that very much. I think that helps him. I think it gives him a break from his pain to be able to turn his attention to my suffering and try to help me. It's a sense of accomplishment. His one wish would be to bring his Mother back, to never lose another loved one, but even Brian cannot PR his way into that. At the very least, he can help me, and that is something to check off in the "things I can do" list.
So, as you are suffering through an issue, remember that your loved ones are suffering for you as well. Be there in return, comfort them. Compliment their hard work for you, share your pride and gratitude with others. Make it public. Let everyone know how lucky and appreciative you are. In this way, you may just find that your suffering is alleviated somewhat, at a minimum, you will remember that you are not suffering alone.
And remember, you went into this marriage as a single person, you came out of it as a team. You are not alone, but neither is your spouse.
Often it seems to me that we forget that as we are struggling through a difficult issue or time, our loved ones are struggling just as hard watching our pain and sadness. It takes a lot of energy and strength to put on a happy face when you are falling apart and we need to remember that it really never is "all about me". Especially in a marriage. No matter how hard things are for me, Brian is suffering too and I need to be sensitive to that as well.
There is no feeling worse than watching a loved one in pain and feeling helpless. I am helpless right now. There is nothing I can do to "fix" things as my Brian navigates through his grief. I can only watch, listen and encourage. Of course all I really want to do is wave some kind of wand and make him feel all better and make the world right and sunny for him, sadly, I am not that good of a witch. This causes me pain. It breaks my heart. I think it gives him comfort to know I love him that very much. I think that helps him. I think it gives him a break from his pain to be able to turn his attention to my suffering and try to help me. It's a sense of accomplishment. His one wish would be to bring his Mother back, to never lose another loved one, but even Brian cannot PR his way into that. At the very least, he can help me, and that is something to check off in the "things I can do" list.
So, as you are suffering through an issue, remember that your loved ones are suffering for you as well. Be there in return, comfort them. Compliment their hard work for you, share your pride and gratitude with others. Make it public. Let everyone know how lucky and appreciative you are. In this way, you may just find that your suffering is alleviated somewhat, at a minimum, you will remember that you are not suffering alone.
And remember, you went into this marriage as a single person, you came out of it as a team. You are not alone, but neither is your spouse.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Screw You, I Need My Husband!
It's 1:28am. It's a "school night". I don't want to go to bed. My husband is not there, he's away right now, visiting his Mother in the hospital, trying to make head or tails of a world that is changing for him. All I know is that I don't want to go to bed, I haven't wanted to go to be these past 4 nights, because he's not there. I haven't told him this, I don't know if he finds reasons to stay up as I have.
What I do know is that when I go to bed, and he's there, I know that the day has ended just as I hoped it would, all is right. Tonight, not so much. He's not there. I dread the empty that is his side of the bed. I dread the cold this is the lack of his body heat. I dread the comments about this.
I am a whole person. I do not need my husband to have a complete life, but I want him in my life completely.
I'm so tired of editing myself for fear that some one is going to tell me I'm not an independent strong woman, that I feel I need a man to have a life. Let me make this clear: I do need my husband so that I can have a complete and happy life. I need him because he shows me the possibilities I do not see. He is much of what is not in me, but what I hope to emulate. He is my warmth, my stronghold, my faith.
I had all those things before I ever met Brian. I spent 12 years as a single Mother and financial support for my son. Life was great. Brian has made the love in our lives greater. I did not need a man to give me a reason to live, I had a son for that. This man has given me reason to love myself in ways I did not know were there. That is the best part of a good man, ladies, you get to see the value, worth and beauty of yourself that your own eyes were blind to. (Note: I said a GOOD man)
So, I have three things to say, choose the one you want.
For Married Women: Never let someone tell you that you are less than a single woman because her life is harder, we all know that having a husband is no easy task, they take work.
For Single Women: Never let someone tell you that you need to find a man to marry, you need to find a life to marry.
For All Women: Revel in who you are and where you are in life. Never let anyone tell you you are doing it wrong!
My Very Bestest Wishes To ALL To Find That Happy Healthy Life You Were Dreaming Of,
Richelle C. Ferree
What I do know is that when I go to bed, and he's there, I know that the day has ended just as I hoped it would, all is right. Tonight, not so much. He's not there. I dread the empty that is his side of the bed. I dread the cold this is the lack of his body heat. I dread the comments about this.
I am a whole person. I do not need my husband to have a complete life, but I want him in my life completely.
I'm so tired of editing myself for fear that some one is going to tell me I'm not an independent strong woman, that I feel I need a man to have a life. Let me make this clear: I do need my husband so that I can have a complete and happy life. I need him because he shows me the possibilities I do not see. He is much of what is not in me, but what I hope to emulate. He is my warmth, my stronghold, my faith.
I had all those things before I ever met Brian. I spent 12 years as a single Mother and financial support for my son. Life was great. Brian has made the love in our lives greater. I did not need a man to give me a reason to live, I had a son for that. This man has given me reason to love myself in ways I did not know were there. That is the best part of a good man, ladies, you get to see the value, worth and beauty of yourself that your own eyes were blind to. (Note: I said a GOOD man)
So, I have three things to say, choose the one you want.
For Married Women: Never let someone tell you that you are less than a single woman because her life is harder, we all know that having a husband is no easy task, they take work.
For Single Women: Never let someone tell you that you need to find a man to marry, you need to find a life to marry.
For All Women: Revel in who you are and where you are in life. Never let anyone tell you you are doing it wrong!
My Very Bestest Wishes To ALL To Find That Happy Healthy Life You Were Dreaming Of,
Richelle C. Ferree
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
It Starts With The Tongue
The best sex you will ever have begins with your tongue. This is actually the most important organ in your body when it comes to sexual pleasure. From the conversations I've had recently I am realizing that many people suffer from, what I call, "tight tongue". You must begin by exercising your tongue, work it out, loosen it up. How? Speak.
Yeah, you thought this was going to get dirty, didn't you? Well, there's hope yet.
I suppose we don't talk about sex much due to our puritanical heritage. We're inundated with sex on T.V., in movies, magazines, everywhere, and yet we don't talk about it. We look at it, think about it, fantasize, but we don't talk about it. I find this to be so very confusing. If we're going to surround ourselves with it, why not actually enjoy it?
I'm not sure why, but I seem to be the sounding board for a lot of "sex" conversations, especially lately. I'm noticing a constant thread with them though. It would seem like a lot of couples just don't talk to each other. Why is this so very very difficult for us? I figure this person has already seen you at your most intimate and vulnerable. Over the course of your life, how many people have ever seen your orgasm face? Less than more I would suppose. If you've opened up this much, why not open up some more? You've already let them in. I really get shocked when the couple in question is married. Here you've opened up to this person, clearly a sexual relationhip is involved and you've vowed to share your life with them, forsaking all others. If you're going to give up all future sexual relations, seems a fair trade that you make the most of the one you have. Dosen't it?
So why not talk, why not open up? What's holding us back? Embarrassment? Of what? That our spouse is not going to approve of our desires or share our fantasy? Well, maybe not, but maybe. It should be worth the risk. There should be a level of trust developed at some point that makes it worth it. I like to believe that my husband accepts who I am. He may not have seen all sides of me yet, but I expect that as new parts of me open up he will accept them, love them, or open up a discussion.
So, I get that maybe I am far too hopeful on this subject. People don't talk much and they certainly don't talk about sex, but I'm an optimist, what can I say? Start small. "I like this" "I don't like that". You'd be surprised what you will learn. Look, this isn't a sex help talk. I'm not going to tell you what to do in bed or not do.
I'm going to tell you this: In the very beginning of sexual life with my husband (then boyfriend, yes, I had premarital sex) used to do this thing. Doesn't matter what that was, all that matters is he did it. After a bit, one time, when he did it, I stopped him and said "I don't really like that". After that night, outside of sex, I mentioned it again. I was worried I was interfering with his pleasure/happiness. Nope. Turns out he didn't like it either, but thought that women did. So I guess there was a woman who did at some point in his life. (OK, so most men don't realize that all women are anatomically different and just because one likes it doesn't mean we all do or that you're hitting any kind of good "spot", pssst, hey girls, the same is true for them, they are all individuals).
You see, it doesn't matter how much "experience" you have, it only matters what THIS experience is. Go make tonight the best experience ever. Remember, exercise that tongue! It's your most potent sexual tool!
Yeah, you thought this was going to get dirty, didn't you? Well, there's hope yet.
I suppose we don't talk about sex much due to our puritanical heritage. We're inundated with sex on T.V., in movies, magazines, everywhere, and yet we don't talk about it. We look at it, think about it, fantasize, but we don't talk about it. I find this to be so very confusing. If we're going to surround ourselves with it, why not actually enjoy it?
I'm not sure why, but I seem to be the sounding board for a lot of "sex" conversations, especially lately. I'm noticing a constant thread with them though. It would seem like a lot of couples just don't talk to each other. Why is this so very very difficult for us? I figure this person has already seen you at your most intimate and vulnerable. Over the course of your life, how many people have ever seen your orgasm face? Less than more I would suppose. If you've opened up this much, why not open up some more? You've already let them in. I really get shocked when the couple in question is married. Here you've opened up to this person, clearly a sexual relationhip is involved and you've vowed to share your life with them, forsaking all others. If you're going to give up all future sexual relations, seems a fair trade that you make the most of the one you have. Dosen't it?
So why not talk, why not open up? What's holding us back? Embarrassment? Of what? That our spouse is not going to approve of our desires or share our fantasy? Well, maybe not, but maybe. It should be worth the risk. There should be a level of trust developed at some point that makes it worth it. I like to believe that my husband accepts who I am. He may not have seen all sides of me yet, but I expect that as new parts of me open up he will accept them, love them, or open up a discussion.
So, I get that maybe I am far too hopeful on this subject. People don't talk much and they certainly don't talk about sex, but I'm an optimist, what can I say? Start small. "I like this" "I don't like that". You'd be surprised what you will learn. Look, this isn't a sex help talk. I'm not going to tell you what to do in bed or not do.
I'm going to tell you this: In the very beginning of sexual life with my husband (then boyfriend, yes, I had premarital sex) used to do this thing. Doesn't matter what that was, all that matters is he did it. After a bit, one time, when he did it, I stopped him and said "I don't really like that". After that night, outside of sex, I mentioned it again. I was worried I was interfering with his pleasure/happiness. Nope. Turns out he didn't like it either, but thought that women did. So I guess there was a woman who did at some point in his life. (OK, so most men don't realize that all women are anatomically different and just because one likes it doesn't mean we all do or that you're hitting any kind of good "spot", pssst, hey girls, the same is true for them, they are all individuals).
You see, it doesn't matter how much "experience" you have, it only matters what THIS experience is. Go make tonight the best experience ever. Remember, exercise that tongue! It's your most potent sexual tool!
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