Please feel free to copy and paste any part this and pretend it's yours if you think it will help you.
It's Christmastime and I'm thinking over the years and I'm realizing that I am missing people a lot. Some of these people have died and I will not see them again in this lifetime. But some of these people are still walking about the earth having a life that I am not a part of, and they are not a part of mine. Sometimes I know why. It was my fault, I trash talked your fiancé or I figured out the life you were telling me about was a complete fantasy, that I got sucked into. In some cases I am wondering why. I don't know what happened, I don't have a clue, we were so close, and then...nothing. Why? Did I do something? Did my son? Was there an offense or slight that I am not aware of? Does your husband hate me? Was your girlfriend convinced I was not satisfied with friendship? Did I eat the last oreo? Because I have no idea what happened. I only know that I miss you, no matter why you are not here. I think of you often, and when I do, I smile.
So, here's my open letter to the friends who are gone. If you are one of them, then you remember, I do not open that door lightly, once I do, it will remain open. Always. Forever. My friends do not need to apologize. They only need to say "Stay Gold, Ponyboy" ( Autumn and Kristina) or "Hello, Hello, what a wonderful word, Hello. Hello, Hello, Hello, you can hear it wherever you go." (B. Claire and Big Anthony) Or "OOO, I hate that stupid idiot kid next door, Eppy Epperman!"(Ingrid and Angela) If I did not mention your name, do not think that excludes you, I'm just trying to not write a 40 page blog!
Dear Friend,
I miss you. So much has happened since the last time we spoke. My life has taken turns I never would have expected, the biggest one, the loss of you. I remember a time when every inside joke I had, you were a part of. Everything I have become was rooted in the time when we were friends.
Where are you? What are you doing? Do you remember as fondly as I do? Or was there some thing that I was too insensitive to see that has colored every memory you have of us? I wish I knew.
I remember everything, and yes, some of it is not good. It seems to matter very little to me now. I realize, too late perhaps, that I loved you then, I love you now and that is what is missing at my Christmastime. More love. Because there is never enough.
I hope you read this. I hope you know that I loved you then and I will always love you. You know me in ways others never will, never can. You understand me on levels that no longer exist in my life, but are so much my foundation. No one here now knows me in the ways that you do.
Before you go thinking that this is some self affirmation egocentric kick, the truth is, I need to know you are all right. I'm missing you and I'm worrying about you. Probably your life is different than the dreams we made hanging out in the woods, but is it a good different? Are you content? Are you safe? Are you well?
If you ever want to rehash old times or create new ones, my door is always open. I believe that if you call me or email me it will be just as it always was, how could it be otherwise? I love you and miss you, I always will.
My Christmas Wish this year: That all my friends find happiness and the path to my front door.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Old People Suck
Today I spent the day with my Grandmother. I don't do this often. She has this way of making me feel badly about myself. Second guessing every decision I've ever made. So today's blog is why old people suck.
1. They're slow.
I kept running ahead to do things for her. I mean, seriously, it was 26 degrees out today. NO, I'm not letting you return the cart to the grocery store, I'm cold, dammit! I can do it myself, and faster than you. You go sit in the car and I'll run it back. This happened twice today. Once at CostCo and once at Giant Eagle. Of course, if she'd have returned it, I'd have been sitting in a nice warm car waiting for her. Hmmmm. Was this a ploy to get me to return the cart and be cold? Or, maybe? Something she could do for me?
2. They're cheap.
Sure, you're going to insist on paying for lunch, at the deli, after I said I wasn't too hungry, and I'm making a heavy dinner tonight and we had samples of everything at CostCo! Sure! You're going to offer to buy lunch, because I'm not really going to order much, so it's not going to be expe...oh, yeah, sure, you know I love some matzo ball soup, I'll try some that you ordered, but really, you can't take me out for a nice lun...pate? I LOVE pate, I never order it though, sure, let me try yours. Oh yes, my lunch was good too, hey, wait a minute, did you just trick me into eating a lot more than I would for lunch? I know you think I'm too skinny, but, what the heck?
3. They're repetitive.
Oh. My. God. Are you really going to tell me this story of how your mom used to cut up your toast for you, but not your brothers or sisters, AGAIN? I've heard it before! And why did you preface it with "I've never told anyone this, but..." Um, yeah, crazy old lady, you have, ME, a couple of times now. That's why I can finish your sentences...hmm. Well, not that I think about it, there are some similarities between us, and you and my sister, and your daughters and sons and...it's feeling like a thread now. If I follow it, I realize we're all attached. Or are you making sure there is a narrator for your life? Is that why I hear the same stories, that you've never told anyone? Are others in the family hearing other stories? Am I the confidante? Are we all? Are you telling the stories to each of us that resonate? WHAT are you doing woman?
4. They're out of touch with modern life.
Fine, I'll come over to fix the lights on your Christmas tree, but I've got to run errands today. Me: "I can't figure this damn light thing out. This is the craziest string of lights I've ever seen. This light is out, but the one to the right is on and the whole strand" Interruption from the Grandmother: "This is really crazy. In this week's football pool your Uncle is ending up with 6 and 4. Those aren't impossible numbers, you understand, but what's crazy is his wife has 4 and 6, isn't that funny? They have opposite numbers." I look up, and there she is, 80something Grandma, on her IPad, setting up the football pool. But she sure can't figure out these damn lights!
5. They're forgetful.
Ok. So I told you I had a ton to do today, and yet, only about 1/3 of my "to do" list is done. You managed to throw off my whole day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. I told you I needed to go to Aunt Denise's to pick up that table, and yet somehow that never happened, and you never mentioned it. I know I don't need the table, but I would like to return the table to the person who lent it to me at some point!
We went to CostCo, Giant Eagle, Lunch and Color me Mine and it was a 7 hour day. All of this I could have had done in 2 hours. I didn't need to wander around CostCo for an hour+, I knew what I needed, I had a list. Yeah, yeah, ok so now I know what to get you for Christmas, and I learned things about Aunt Cindy that I'm happy to know, and I learned some things about your taste I didn't know, but those Christmas cards are not stamping themselves you know!
Giant Eagle? 2 things, I had a list, I always have a list, and yes, I know what kind of ham to buy for Christmas Eve dinner, but so? YOU make Christmas Eve dinner. Who cares what kind of ham to buy? YOU buy the ham. YOU make the ham. How is that ever changing?
Lunch? OK, yeah yeah yeah, so there was a restaurant, it's gone now. You loved it. We ate somewhere else, while I listened to stories about the place that's gone and that I'm never going to eat at. Fine.
Color Me Mine. Damnit. You didn't even pick anything to paint. I offered to buy it for you, I wanted to buy it. I thought maybe you could make something for someone. NO? So fine, I'll sit here and paint. You watch. While some annoying kid runs around screaming and breaking my concentration, and now this is crap, I hate it, well, yeah, I could try that. Hmmm, that might work. Ok, so maybe I salvaged the piece after all. It might be all right. I hope so. That's my sister in law's Christmas gift, if it comes out all right. Good idea. Thanks.
I spent the day with my Grandmother. I didn't get much on my "to do" list done but I got a lot on my "I never did that" list done. It was a priceless day. I'm ashamed that there have not been more of them. I'm hoping to remember that, so I don't miss more of them. I will remember the stories Grandma told me today. I will write them down and share them some day so that my son and nieces know and know the people we came from. At least now, when it's my turn to take over, I know what kind of ham to buy to make for Christmas Eve dinner, I didn't know that before.
1. They're slow.
I kept running ahead to do things for her. I mean, seriously, it was 26 degrees out today. NO, I'm not letting you return the cart to the grocery store, I'm cold, dammit! I can do it myself, and faster than you. You go sit in the car and I'll run it back. This happened twice today. Once at CostCo and once at Giant Eagle. Of course, if she'd have returned it, I'd have been sitting in a nice warm car waiting for her. Hmmmm. Was this a ploy to get me to return the cart and be cold? Or, maybe? Something she could do for me?
2. They're cheap.
Sure, you're going to insist on paying for lunch, at the deli, after I said I wasn't too hungry, and I'm making a heavy dinner tonight and we had samples of everything at CostCo! Sure! You're going to offer to buy lunch, because I'm not really going to order much, so it's not going to be expe...oh, yeah, sure, you know I love some matzo ball soup, I'll try some that you ordered, but really, you can't take me out for a nice lun...pate? I LOVE pate, I never order it though, sure, let me try yours. Oh yes, my lunch was good too, hey, wait a minute, did you just trick me into eating a lot more than I would for lunch? I know you think I'm too skinny, but, what the heck?
3. They're repetitive.
Oh. My. God. Are you really going to tell me this story of how your mom used to cut up your toast for you, but not your brothers or sisters, AGAIN? I've heard it before! And why did you preface it with "I've never told anyone this, but..." Um, yeah, crazy old lady, you have, ME, a couple of times now. That's why I can finish your sentences...hmm. Well, not that I think about it, there are some similarities between us, and you and my sister, and your daughters and sons and...it's feeling like a thread now. If I follow it, I realize we're all attached. Or are you making sure there is a narrator for your life? Is that why I hear the same stories, that you've never told anyone? Are others in the family hearing other stories? Am I the confidante? Are we all? Are you telling the stories to each of us that resonate? WHAT are you doing woman?
4. They're out of touch with modern life.
Fine, I'll come over to fix the lights on your Christmas tree, but I've got to run errands today. Me: "I can't figure this damn light thing out. This is the craziest string of lights I've ever seen. This light is out, but the one to the right is on and the whole strand" Interruption from the Grandmother: "This is really crazy. In this week's football pool your Uncle is ending up with 6 and 4. Those aren't impossible numbers, you understand, but what's crazy is his wife has 4 and 6, isn't that funny? They have opposite numbers." I look up, and there she is, 80something Grandma, on her IPad, setting up the football pool. But she sure can't figure out these damn lights!
5. They're forgetful.
Ok. So I told you I had a ton to do today, and yet, only about 1/3 of my "to do" list is done. You managed to throw off my whole day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. I told you I needed to go to Aunt Denise's to pick up that table, and yet somehow that never happened, and you never mentioned it. I know I don't need the table, but I would like to return the table to the person who lent it to me at some point!
We went to CostCo, Giant Eagle, Lunch and Color me Mine and it was a 7 hour day. All of this I could have had done in 2 hours. I didn't need to wander around CostCo for an hour+, I knew what I needed, I had a list. Yeah, yeah, ok so now I know what to get you for Christmas, and I learned things about Aunt Cindy that I'm happy to know, and I learned some things about your taste I didn't know, but those Christmas cards are not stamping themselves you know!
Giant Eagle? 2 things, I had a list, I always have a list, and yes, I know what kind of ham to buy for Christmas Eve dinner, but so? YOU make Christmas Eve dinner. Who cares what kind of ham to buy? YOU buy the ham. YOU make the ham. How is that ever changing?
Lunch? OK, yeah yeah yeah, so there was a restaurant, it's gone now. You loved it. We ate somewhere else, while I listened to stories about the place that's gone and that I'm never going to eat at. Fine.
Color Me Mine. Damnit. You didn't even pick anything to paint. I offered to buy it for you, I wanted to buy it. I thought maybe you could make something for someone. NO? So fine, I'll sit here and paint. You watch. While some annoying kid runs around screaming and breaking my concentration, and now this is crap, I hate it, well, yeah, I could try that. Hmmm, that might work. Ok, so maybe I salvaged the piece after all. It might be all right. I hope so. That's my sister in law's Christmas gift, if it comes out all right. Good idea. Thanks.
I spent the day with my Grandmother. I didn't get much on my "to do" list done but I got a lot on my "I never did that" list done. It was a priceless day. I'm ashamed that there have not been more of them. I'm hoping to remember that, so I don't miss more of them. I will remember the stories Grandma told me today. I will write them down and share them some day so that my son and nieces know and know the people we came from. At least now, when it's my turn to take over, I know what kind of ham to buy to make for Christmas Eve dinner, I didn't know that before.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Anger Management
I've read a lot lately on Facebook, blogs, the interwebs. I'm reading a lot of anger. People are angry. About a lot of things. Sweet little old neighbors are getting bullied by ruffians, people of all races, ages, sexes, orientations, religious beliefs, they're all be discriminated against by somebody. Amazing friends who would give you the shirt off their back or last dollar just can't get a break. Taxes are higher, we may not be able to afford milk soon, politicians lie to us. And we're angry. All of us, we're angry, about something, someone, somewhere.
So, I'm reading these things, and I'm getting angry. The author's anger is filling me up and I'm ready to burst until I want to scream STOP! And so I did. And I realized, I was screaming at the writers, not the sufferers.
Because we all suffer. Sometime, Somehow, Someway.
I can't STOP the suffering. We will always suffer. We always be doing not right by somebody. But I can choose to put more good in the world than bad. I can choose to love.
Nothing is ever fixed by anger, my friends. I'm sitting here writing this right now and there is anger happening in my bedroom. Hubby and I have had a tiff. I'm angry, he's angry. Neither one of us is healing. He's in there sulking. I'm in here writing. Why? Because I remembered that I wanted to tell you all this. I wanted to say, anger never fixes anything. If you don't believe me, go ask hubby, I can hear his teeth grinding between 2 closed doors!
Recently I read an awesome article about what I hope to find is an awesome book. It was by a man who befriended many members of the KKK over the years. He wanted to understand them, he wanted them to understand him. And so they did, and friendships were forged. Oh, I forgot to mention, he's black. Here's a link to an article if you'd like to read it, it's on my hopper to read, the book that is: http://www.amerika.org/politics/interview-with-darryl-davis-author-of-klan-destine-relationships/ and then today I watched a video by my favorite you tube personality, Kid President, here's the link to that: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4_-yXiRcjM&feature=youtu.be
Together, they made me remember, anger solves nothing. But kindness, concern, generosity, understanding, those can solve a whole heck of a lot. Maybe if we don't yell when we're angry, if we take a deep breath and choose to get to know our enemy, they will become a friend, and there will be more love in the world, and that, my friends, is always a good thing.
I've started a new game with one of my friends, maybe you want to play along? ( I know Kid President would play with me if he read this, why? because he's awesome!) With me or with a friend of your own, but here's how it goes. We have pledged that everyday we will text each other with a statement that start with "Today I" and finishes with something that we have done that day to make the world a better place for someone somewhere. This does not have to be a big thing at all. Today I sent: "Today I reminded my friend what he does" My friend sent "Today I am a hero to my kids. Today I listened intently to their adventures." Maybe tomorrow I will see a woman who looks like life has beaten her down and I will find something to compliment, her hair, her shoes, her coat, there's always something nice you can say. And maybe for that moment only her shoulders will be a bit higher, maybe she will smile. But for that moment I will have made the world better. Maybe I'll buy a scratchy game and put it on some random car in the parking lot, or clean the dog poop from some dog out of my neighbors yard because they don't even have a dog and neither do I, or maybe I'll listen to some child's very long, random, pointless story as if it's the most important thing I've ever heard, or send an awesome gift to someone from Kid President's suggestions. So fill the comments section up with your "Today I" send it to me in a message, put on FB. Let's play! We really can make a difference every day, even if just in a small way, besides, sometimes that small thing to you, is a miracle to someone else.
Tonight I'll just go to bed, snuggle in to my angry husband, kiss his head, tell him I love him while he sleeps and remember that anger solves nothing and maybe he'll read this tomorrow and give me a surprise random kiss and remember that anger solves nothing. Both of those things will just put more love in the world. I like the idea, more love in the world.
So, I'm reading these things, and I'm getting angry. The author's anger is filling me up and I'm ready to burst until I want to scream STOP! And so I did. And I realized, I was screaming at the writers, not the sufferers.
Because we all suffer. Sometime, Somehow, Someway.
I can't STOP the suffering. We will always suffer. We always be doing not right by somebody. But I can choose to put more good in the world than bad. I can choose to love.
Nothing is ever fixed by anger, my friends. I'm sitting here writing this right now and there is anger happening in my bedroom. Hubby and I have had a tiff. I'm angry, he's angry. Neither one of us is healing. He's in there sulking. I'm in here writing. Why? Because I remembered that I wanted to tell you all this. I wanted to say, anger never fixes anything. If you don't believe me, go ask hubby, I can hear his teeth grinding between 2 closed doors!
Recently I read an awesome article about what I hope to find is an awesome book. It was by a man who befriended many members of the KKK over the years. He wanted to understand them, he wanted them to understand him. And so they did, and friendships were forged. Oh, I forgot to mention, he's black. Here's a link to an article if you'd like to read it, it's on my hopper to read, the book that is: http://www.amerika.org/politics/interview-with-darryl-davis-author-of-klan-destine-relationships/ and then today I watched a video by my favorite you tube personality, Kid President, here's the link to that: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4_-yXiRcjM&feature=youtu.be
Together, they made me remember, anger solves nothing. But kindness, concern, generosity, understanding, those can solve a whole heck of a lot. Maybe if we don't yell when we're angry, if we take a deep breath and choose to get to know our enemy, they will become a friend, and there will be more love in the world, and that, my friends, is always a good thing.
I've started a new game with one of my friends, maybe you want to play along? ( I know Kid President would play with me if he read this, why? because he's awesome!) With me or with a friend of your own, but here's how it goes. We have pledged that everyday we will text each other with a statement that start with "Today I" and finishes with something that we have done that day to make the world a better place for someone somewhere. This does not have to be a big thing at all. Today I sent: "Today I reminded my friend what he does" My friend sent "Today I am a hero to my kids. Today I listened intently to their adventures." Maybe tomorrow I will see a woman who looks like life has beaten her down and I will find something to compliment, her hair, her shoes, her coat, there's always something nice you can say. And maybe for that moment only her shoulders will be a bit higher, maybe she will smile. But for that moment I will have made the world better. Maybe I'll buy a scratchy game and put it on some random car in the parking lot, or clean the dog poop from some dog out of my neighbors yard because they don't even have a dog and neither do I, or maybe I'll listen to some child's very long, random, pointless story as if it's the most important thing I've ever heard, or send an awesome gift to someone from Kid President's suggestions. So fill the comments section up with your "Today I" send it to me in a message, put on FB. Let's play! We really can make a difference every day, even if just in a small way, besides, sometimes that small thing to you, is a miracle to someone else.
Tonight I'll just go to bed, snuggle in to my angry husband, kiss his head, tell him I love him while he sleeps and remember that anger solves nothing and maybe he'll read this tomorrow and give me a surprise random kiss and remember that anger solves nothing. Both of those things will just put more love in the world. I like the idea, more love in the world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)