I miss my friend

Please feel free to copy and paste any part this and pretend it's yours if you think it will help you.

It's Christmastime and I'm thinking over the years and I'm realizing that I am missing people a lot.  Some of these people have died and I will not see them again in this lifetime.  But some of these people are still walking about the earth having a life that I am not a part of, and they are not a part of mine.  Sometimes I know why.  It was my fault, I trash talked your fiancé or I figured out the life you were telling me about was a complete fantasy, that I got sucked into.   In some cases I am wondering why.  I don't know what happened, I don't have a clue, we were so close, and then...nothing.  Why?  Did I do something?  Did my son?  Was there an offense or slight that I am not aware of?  Does your husband hate me?  Was your girlfriend convinced I was not satisfied with friendship?  Did I eat the last oreo?  Because I have no idea what happened.  I only know that I miss you, no matter why you are not here. I think of you often, and when I do, I smile.

So, here's my open letter to the friends who are gone.  If you are one of them, then you remember, I do not open that door lightly, once I do, it will remain open.  Always.  Forever.  My friends do not need to apologize.  They only need to say "Stay Gold, Ponyboy" ( Autumn and Kristina) or "Hello, Hello, what a wonderful word, Hello.  Hello, Hello, Hello, you can hear it wherever you go." (B. Claire and Big Anthony) Or "OOO, I hate that stupid idiot kid next door, Eppy Epperman!"(Ingrid and Angela) If I did not mention your name, do not think that excludes you, I'm just trying to not write a 40 page blog!

Dear Friend,
I miss you.  So much has happened since the last time we spoke.  My life has taken turns I never would have expected, the biggest one, the loss of you.  I remember a time when every inside joke I had, you were a part of.  Everything I have become was rooted in the time when we were friends.

Where are you?  What are you doing?  Do you remember as fondly as I do?  Or was there some thing that I was too insensitive to see that has colored every memory you have of us?  I wish I knew.

I remember everything, and yes, some of it is not good.  It seems to matter very little to me now.  I realize, too late perhaps, that I loved you then, I love you now and that is what is missing at my Christmastime.  More love.  Because there is never enough.

I hope you read this.  I hope you know that I loved you then and I will always love you.  You know me in ways others never will, never can.  You understand me on levels that no longer exist in my life, but are so much my foundation.  No one here now knows me in the ways that you do.

Before you go thinking that this is some self affirmation egocentric kick, the truth is, I need to know you are all right.  I'm missing you and I'm worrying about you.  Probably your life is different than the dreams we made hanging out in the woods, but is it a good different?  Are you content?  Are you safe?  Are you well?

If you ever want to rehash old times or create new ones, my door is always open.  I believe that if you call me or email me it will be just as it always was, how could it be otherwise?  I love you and miss you, I always will.

My Christmas Wish this year:  That all my friends find happiness and the path to my front door.