Old People Suck

Today I spent the day with my Grandmother.  I don't do this often.  She has this way of making me feel badly about myself.  Second guessing every decision I've ever made.  So today's blog is why old people suck.

1.  They're slow.
I kept running ahead to do things for her.  I mean, seriously, it was 26 degrees out today.  NO, I'm not letting you return the cart to the grocery store, I'm cold, dammit!  I can do it myself, and faster than you. You go sit in the car and I'll run it back.  This happened twice today.  Once at CostCo and once at Giant Eagle.   Of course, if she'd have returned it, I'd have been sitting in a nice warm car waiting for her. Hmmmm. Was this a ploy to get me to return the cart and be cold?  Or, maybe?  Something she could do for me?

2.  They're cheap.
Sure, you're going to insist on paying for lunch, at the deli, after I said I wasn't too hungry, and I'm making a heavy dinner tonight and we had samples of everything at CostCo!  Sure!  You're going to offer to buy lunch, because I'm not really going to order much, so it's not going to be expe...oh, yeah, sure, you know I love some matzo ball soup, I'll try some that you ordered, but really, you can't take me out for a nice lun...pate?  I LOVE pate, I never order it though, sure, let me try yours.  Oh yes, my lunch was good too, hey, wait a minute, did you just trick me into eating a lot more than I would for lunch?  I know you think I'm too skinny, but, what the heck?

3.  They're repetitive.
Oh. My. God.  Are you really going to tell me this story of how your mom used to cut up your toast for you, but not your brothers or sisters, AGAIN?  I've heard it before!  And why did you preface it with "I've never told anyone this, but..."  Um, yeah, crazy old lady, you have, ME, a couple of times now. That's why I can finish your sentences...hmm.  Well, not that I think about it, there are some similarities between us, and you and my sister, and your daughters and sons and...it's feeling like a thread now.  If I follow it, I realize we're all attached.  Or are you making sure there is a narrator for your life? Is that why I hear the same stories, that you've never told anyone?  Are others in the family hearing other stories?  Am I the confidante?  Are we all?  Are you telling the stories to each of us that resonate?  WHAT are you doing woman?

4.  They're out of touch with modern life.
Fine, I'll come over to fix the lights on your Christmas tree, but I've got to run errands today.  Me: "I can't figure this damn light thing out.  This is the craziest string of lights I've ever seen. This light is out, but the one to the right is on and the whole strand"  Interruption from the Grandmother:  "This is really crazy.  In this week's football pool your Uncle is ending up with 6 and 4.  Those aren't impossible numbers, you understand, but what's crazy is his wife has 4 and 6, isn't that funny?  They have opposite numbers."  I look up, and there she is, 80something Grandma, on her IPad, setting up the football pool.  But she sure can't figure out these damn lights!

5.  They're forgetful.
Ok.  So I told you I had a ton to do today, and yet, only about 1/3 of my "to do" list is done.  You managed to throw off my whole day.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.  I told you I needed to go to Aunt Denise's to pick up that table, and yet somehow that never happened, and you never mentioned it. I know I don't need the table, but I would like to return the table to the person who lent it to me at some point!

We went to CostCo, Giant Eagle, Lunch and Color me Mine and it was a 7 hour day.  All of this I could have had done in 2 hours.  I didn't need to wander around CostCo for an hour+, I knew what I needed, I had a list.  Yeah, yeah, ok so now I know what to get you for Christmas, and I learned things about Aunt Cindy that I'm happy to know, and I learned some things about your taste I didn't know, but those Christmas cards are not stamping themselves you know!  

Giant Eagle?  2 things, I had a list, I always have a list, and yes, I know what kind of ham to buy for Christmas Eve dinner, but so?  YOU make Christmas Eve dinner.  Who cares what kind of ham to buy?  YOU buy the ham.  YOU make the ham.  How is that ever changing?

Lunch?  OK, yeah yeah yeah, so there was a restaurant, it's gone now.  You loved it.  We ate somewhere else, while I listened to stories about the place that's gone and that I'm never going to eat at.  Fine.

Color Me Mine.  Damnit.  You didn't even pick anything to paint.  I offered to buy it for you, I wanted to buy it.  I thought maybe you could make something for someone.  NO?  So fine, I'll sit here and paint.  You watch.  While some annoying kid runs around screaming and breaking my concentration, and now this is crap, I hate it, well, yeah, I could try that.  Hmmm, that might work. Ok, so maybe I salvaged the piece after all.  It might be all right.  I hope so.  That's my sister in law's Christmas gift, if it comes out all right.  Good idea.  Thanks.

I spent the day with my Grandmother.  I didn't get much on my "to do" list done but I got a lot on my "I never did that" list done.  It was a priceless day.  I'm ashamed that there have not been more of them.  I'm hoping to remember that, so I don't miss more of them.  I will remember the stories Grandma told me today.  I will write them down and share them some day so that my son and nieces know and know the people we came from.  At least now, when it's my turn to take over, I know what kind of ham to buy to make for Christmas Eve dinner, I didn't know that before.