Wedding vows are not one sided. This may seem like an obvious statement, but I don't really think so. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad, these are the statements that we agree to. What they don't mean is that when I am on the harder side of those statements, sick, worse, poor, bad times, that I get to be a jerk and Brian has to put up with it. It doesn't mean that only one of us has to be supportive at a time. Right now, for example, we are dealing with the immediate loss of Brian's Mother who passed away on March 8th. I need to be supportive and see to his needs and be as helpful as I can be. I hope I'm doing a good job. What I can say is that Brian is doing a fantastic job at understanding that this is also difficult and stressful for me. He's been supportive and understanding when sometimes I falter at my post. He asks how I am, if he can help. He acknowledges what I am doing to help him, not just to me, but to others. He cheers me on as I cheer him on. You see, it's two sided. We take turns. It's not even, it shouldn't be, we have to take care of each other, at all times.
Often it seems to me that we forget that as we are struggling through a difficult issue or time, our loved ones are struggling just as hard watching our pain and sadness. It takes a lot of energy and strength to put on a happy face when you are falling apart and we need to remember that it really never is "all about me". Especially in a marriage. No matter how hard things are for me, Brian is suffering too and I need to be sensitive to that as well.
There is no feeling worse than watching a loved one in pain and feeling helpless. I am helpless right now. There is nothing I can do to "fix" things as my Brian navigates through his grief. I can only watch, listen and encourage. Of course all I really want to do is wave some kind of wand and make him feel all better and make the world right and sunny for him, sadly, I am not that good of a witch. This causes me pain. It breaks my heart. I think it gives him comfort to know I love him that very much. I think that helps him. I think it gives him a break from his pain to be able to turn his attention to my suffering and try to help me. It's a sense of accomplishment. His one wish would be to bring his Mother back, to never lose another loved one, but even Brian cannot PR his way into that. At the very least, he can help me, and that is something to check off in the "things I can do" list.
So, as you are suffering through an issue, remember that your loved ones are suffering for you as well. Be there in return, comfort them. Compliment their hard work for you, share your pride and gratitude with others. Make it public. Let everyone know how lucky and appreciative you are. In this way, you may just find that your suffering is alleviated somewhat, at a minimum, you will remember that you are not suffering alone.
And remember, you went into this marriage as a single person, you came out of it as a team. You are not alone, but neither is your spouse.
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