I do, and he loves it. We also have a marriage based on trust. No topic is safe. I lie about drug use, alcohol abuse, molestation, physical abuse, mental and physical health issues, checking account balances, credit card debt, sexual orientation and preferences, criminal activity, jail time, theology, even infidelity. It's not just him I lie to, I lie to everybody. Everybody knows. Everybody loves me for it.
I lie because I have to, my integrity demands it. My husband may look out the front door to see me talking on the phone with so-and-so, pacing the sidewalk, a serious look on my face, maybe sadness. When I come in and he asks "How's so-and-so doing?". I answer "Great!". He knows I'm lying. If so-and-so is doing great, why did I look so upset? He doesn't ask. This is his cue, I'm lying because so-and-so has asked me to keep a confidence.
A friend of mine began a conversation with "I know I can trust you to keep my confidence...". I've been thinking about that for a while now. It's a great phrase, "keeping a confidence", but how often do we really examine those words and think about what they mean? It's more than just keeping a secret, it's giving others the ability to keep confidence in your trustworthiness, protectiveness, respect, kindness, generosity, understanding, giving your family and friends the ability to keep confidence in you.
I hear so many people say "I tell my husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend everything". If you do, then you're truly a terrible friend/sibling/child/etc.! There are some things you had better learn to keep to yourself. People trust me. I want to keep that trust. There was nothing in my vows that said "I promise to tell you everything about everybody we know even when they ask me not to." We're married. I married him, no one else did, which means he has no rights to other people's privacy, just mine.
We share private information all too easily. We've taken away boundaries to the point that when they are requested we do a poor job of maintaining them. Pictures on Instagram that we have no business sharing, fights with family members on Facebook, attacks on the neighbors on Twitter. Is it any wonder that when someone shares something private and personal it ends up public knowledge? Sometimes it seems innocent enough, you can tell your co worker about the dirty laundry your best friend just dumped on you, they're never going to meet, where's the harm? The harm is, whether your friend ever finds out you shared their private information or not, you broke the confidence they placed in you.
We also don't consider how sharing the information might color the view for someone else. To the best of my knowledge, no one I know is having an affair right now, so I'll use that as an example. Let's pretend I have a friend named Suri. Suri comes to me and tells me, in confidence, that she just found out her husband had an affair. They're going to counseling, they're determined to work through it, she just needed to share the burden with someone. I've listened, I'm going to support my friend's decision whether I agree with it or not, it's not my place to judge. Now, I come home and tell my husband. How is that going to change his view of Suri or her husband? What will that do to the friendship dynamic they all had before? My husband has very strong views on infidelity. It may ruin something that should have been fine. For all I know, Suri and her husband are going to get through this swimmingly and by telling, I've not only ruined the view my husband had of them, but I've also broken trust. If they wanted my husband, or my hairdresser, or my checkout girl at the grocery store, or my Grandmother to know they would have told them!
So here we are, on a 3 hour driving trip. My husband was dozing and I was thinking about issues other people are going through and how grateful I am for the life we are having at this moment. Sure, we have struggles, but we can handle them, others around us are not so lucky right now. He woke up and asked me what I was thinking about that made me look so sadly. I told him I was thinking about something private someone had recently told me and feeling badly for them. He said "who?", I just smiled. He went through a list of a few people and I just kept smiling, not answering him. Finally I said, "We're fine. I'm not thinking about us. I'm also not going to tell you what I'm thinking about, it's not your business. It was told to me in confidence." He dropped it right then. Why? Because I keep his confidence and he knows how valuable that can be.
I want everyone around us to feel confident in me. The best way to do that is to keep their confidence. Trust is so hard to earn, so easy to lose, almost impossible to rebuild and worth everything if you can find it.
So, the next time you're entrusted with something private, keep it to yourself. And lie to your significant other about it! If the confidence was meant for them, they would be told as well.
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