I'm Glad You Are Suffering

You don't deserve this.  That's what I want to say.  It's true for most people.  They don't deserve the hardships that they are thrust into the midst of.  I've struggled with this, personally, for 16 years.  My son more so.  I find myself always asking "why?".  Why is my beautiful bright boy wandering about the world never knowing if this is his last sunset?  Will tomorrow he go into the darkness, his vision gone?  Why him?  And yet, he's never asked that question.  He accepts it as fact and goes on with his life.

But why?  It's so random.  I watch my friends and family struggling with their own suffering and wonder, why?  Why is this young vibrant human struggling with cancer?  Why did that one lose their toddler?  Why can't this one get pregnant?  Why does that one have a son struggling so with his identity?  Why? Why? Why?  These are good people, they've hurt no one, and yet they suffer.

I hold on to a thought I had, years ago.  I don't know if I'm right, but I hope I am, it's the only way I get through it all now.  I told my son I was grateful it was him.  I was glad he was the one losing his vision and not some other child.  I told him it was better this way because we were strong enough.

Maybe that's the why.  We get the struggles we are strong enough for, though we may not believe that at the time, in the middle of the pain, when our whole world feels as though it will fly apart and shatter into a million tiny shards, taking us with it, when we crumple onto a bed and fall into an exhausted sleep after baptizing our pillows with prayer filled tears.  We are strong enough for this.  Others are not.  This is why is it you, or me, or him, or her, or them.

This is why I am grateful.  As I watch people navigate their stormy waters, I realize, they have a good strong ship.  They will make it through.  I'm glad they have the struggle and not another who cannot survive the storm.

To one friend I say "It is you because another Mother and Wife would fail her children and husband, but you are strong enough for them.  You will guide them through this, you will be strong, and they will see that they can make it through.  Your family will be safe in the Great Big Love you have for them.  Thank God it is not another person, one without strength.  There would be so much more suffering in the world if it were."

To another friend I say "It is your child suffering this, because his Mother and Father Love more deeply than I have ever seen, and that is all the strength and comfort that he will need to sustain him.  Thank God that it is not a child with absentee parents who would be truly alone in this struggle."

To all of them I say "Thank God that it is you who are suffering this.  Another would not be able to find it in themselves to go on living. Another would give up, desert their loved ones, leave them alone.

It may not be a comfort now, in the middle of it, as the air is crushed out of you and you can sob no more.  But as the clouds clear, and they will, as the rain stops, and it will, as the waters still again, and they will, thank God that you were strong enough.  Thank God that it was not someone else for we would not wish our pain on others.  I'm glad it was you, and not another, because I know you have it in you to do this.  I know that, together, we will make it through.  I know you are not alone.  I am right here with you.